I have what some folk consider a rather unusual attraction to some women who appear unattractive to others. My most difficult task with such a woman is convincing her that she really turns me on. She is so hung up on negative past experiences that she actually refuses to believe that anyone could possibly be entranced by her image.
It's so pathetic that public perception of beauty is limited to the harsh and cold visage of the typical “Super Model”. I want a real woman, not a plastic display piece.
I know of a woman who had plastic surgery to conform herself to the most popular view of desirability. She was delighted with the result, as were many others of her acquaintance. Conversely, I was extremely disappointed with the change. Oh, did I say “disappointed”? That's rather mild, considering the fact I was livid with rage. I thought the operation made her look absolutely hideous.
I think most men base their initial interactions with women on whom they consider most appealing. That sounds a bit shallow, but it is a fact of life. I think it's a fact that most women have learned to tolerate, whether they like it or not. For those who don't fit the popular mold of what is considered ‘sexy’, this can be a painful ordeal. They seem to think that since the majority of folk don't view them as beautiful, no one will.
This is an attitude that has caused me much anguish. A woman whom I consider hot has such low self-esteem regarding her appearance that she kills the mood of an intimate moment. Regardless of what I say or how I act, she presumes herself to be repulsive.
How dare she presume what I think! How dare she presume what turns me on! How dare she defy me!
Those words aren't going to entice a woman, especially one who has learned to think of herself as not attractive enough to interest the majority of men. Do you think you can wave the baton of your male authority and she is going to get with the program?
Why don't you take out your anger on the male jerks who put her down all her life because she didn't fit the mold? Oh but that would mean dealing with the problem where it starts instead of blaming the victim, wouldn't it. Also why not boycott the advertising industry which makes women feel inadequate if they are not anorectic supermodels?
Finally you are making the same mistake as the other guys: assuming a woman's self worth should come from YOUR appraisal. Women need to break AWAY from male appraisal and love themselves for themselves.
But it is generally women who are ones who are cattiest about each other's looks, rather than men. It's women who sneer at other women for being overweight, unattractive or whatever. Magazines and newspapers are full of articles by women picking away at other women's looks.
There is an appalling but very popular TV programme in the UK called 'What Not to Wear' in which two self-appointed fashion experts lecture other women about their dress sense, sneer at them and put them down and make them reform themselves to suit the tastes of the 'experts'. This in spite of the fact that, as comedienne Jo Brand put it, one dresses like the secretary of an Eastern European dictator, and the other like 'a slightly deranged milkmaid'.
Women who are obsessed with being thin are not generally driven to it by men, but by their own vanity. I read an interview with Rene Zwelleger, is it, the actress who starred in the Bridget Jones movies. She admits that men found her more attractive whem she put on weight for the movies, but she's slimmed down again because it's how she prefers herself. I'm not saying that men can't be critical of women's looks, but the weight of evidence suggests to me that it is women who are the most savage critics.
I have to admit I rather liked that piece too. My husband has on more than one occasion had words with me for presuming myself to be unattractive (and spanked me for it when it's got too bad!). However, there was a lot of patient work on his part before he felt he could justifiably get angry about it
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"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" Hamlet, somewhere.
The thing is, low self-esteem isn't simply the result of internalizing the negative perceptions of others. If that really were the case, then having a partner offer positive appraisals of one's looks would serve to annihilate self-image problems, but that hasn't worked. I don't really see how that piece counteracts the pressure on women to look a certain way: he seems to want his partner to exchange society's judgment of her looks with his own judgment of them. Either way, the woman is being encouraged to depend on outside evaluations for validation.
You see what the media wants you to see and not what is happening quietly behind closed doors. I had a mastectomy in 1997. A year or two later, trying to revive our sex life, I asked my husband what his sex fantasies were. The genius said he wasn't as attracted to me anymore because he is a breast man.
Now the marriage has continued and let's hope he has managed to grow out of his short pants since then. I believe he has. But don't think that is an isolated instance. The putdowns that come from men are quiet and devastating.
Then to turn around and punish a woman for having been the victim of those putdowns? Men should hang their heads in shame and do what they can to support us in a positive way. What nonsense to think they can command or spank us into thinking we are gorgeous.
Why is it a positive attitude, that he became "livid" at a woman who chose to have plastic surgery? She happened to look like "his type" and he is outraged that she decided to look like some other type. He's fine with her bending to HIS pressure, but it's just awful if she bends to someone else's pressure.
Pressure is pressure and outside interpretations of a woman's looks are irrelevant and unwelcome whomever they come from.
And Louise, if women may snipe at another woman's looks, it is generally jealousy and fear that another female will get the man. Also they don't usually snipe to each other's faces..while men have been known to tell their wives right out, you're getting too fat, etc. etc.
As for that TV show, that's an example of the advertising world that is also at fault. Check out who is advertising on that show. Bunch of beauty products, hm? I shouldn't wonder. Those shows hire women to do the dirty work but the idea behind it: sell clothing and cosmetics to women once you've made them insecure...comes from the male dominated ad industry.
Women have formed support groups and there's been movements and associations of Big Beautiful Women to support the fact that beauty comes in all sizes and shapes. I think that's a lot more positive than a man saying "how dare she defy me and feel insecure about her looks? WHACK!"
